Friends, I have a confession to make: Sometimes this homeschooling gig gets hard.
That’s not quite the big reveal you were expecting, was it? As a matter of fact, if you’ve been homeschooling for more than a week, you already know this. So, no, that’s not really the whole of my confession (but wait, there’s more!). I’ve just been putting off speaking the truth of the matter, because once it’s out there, I can’t take it back. But I don’t really want it back, so here goes. Sometimes this homeschooling gig gets hard, and when it gets really hard, sometimes I forget to trust God.
There, I said it. It’s out in the open now for everyone to see. Sometimes I forget to trust God.
Like yesterday, when I spent an hour fretting over my youngest child’s struggle with math. Are the harder equations causing her self-doubt or is the self-doubt what is making the math so much harder? After a consult with Dr. Google, unlicensed child psychologist, the diagnosis was certain: I worry too much.
Later in the day, I was at it again, worrying about my oldest child’s struggle with a faltering friendship. Is she hurt? Is she sad? Can she bounce back and move forward? Will she survive unscathed?
No, she won’t. But she will survive nonetheless. This is just the stuff of teens, Mom, and you have to stop stressing about things you can’t control.
But I can’t stop. I can’t stop worrying, wondering, over-thinking and wishing I could map out all of their steps to insure a healthy, happy today, and an even healthier, happier tomorrow. And this is where I fall short, failing to trust in the One who not only can, but already has mapped it all out.
They are His children after all, and sometimes, in the thick of the job of being their mother, their caregiver and their teacher, I forget to thank my Father for this blessing, and rely on His plan for their lives.
Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3 :5-6 (KJV)
Yes, He will direct my paths. And He will direct theirs. At the end of the day, this I know for sure. But in the middle of the day, when our lessons have derailed, and an ensuing argument escalates to heights no one ever intended, and everything just seems to fall to pieces…
It’s in those moments that I tend to forget.
Why, in those moments, do I allow the tears and frustration to cloud my thoughts? Why do I open the door, roll out the welcome mat, and invite worry to come in and take over?
Like my children, I’m still learning. I’m still growing in my faith. Unlike my children, however, I wasn’t raised to have a relationship with God. Sure, I was taught God existed, but I didn’t know I was supposed to know Him – talk to Him, walk with Him, rely on Him, trust in Him. And although it’s been several years now since I started walking with my Heavenly Father, I spent a lifetime before nurturing a relationship with worry, creating a bond that has proven very, very hard to break.
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. Philippians 4:6 (ESV)
And so I pray. I pray He will have patience in my times of worry, and that He will forgive me for these momentary lapses of faith. I pray He will guide me to raise these children to recognize and use the gifts with which He has blessed them. I pray the moments of worry will decrease as my prayers and thanksgiving increase. I pray I never forget all the ways He has rescued and restored me, and He will always remind me when I do.
I pray because I know prayer can change everything, and no amount of worry has ever changed anything.